Mind Games
A Strong Defense: Avoiding The Lie
The best time to deal with a lie is before it turns into one. The following is a technique for cutting a suspicion off at the pass before it turns into deception.
Method 1
This is the method you use when you want the truth as it relates to a person’s previous behavior. Here is a possible scenario: a parent suspects that her twelve-year-old son is smoking cigarettes.
Approach: “I know all about the smoking and the sneaking around. You know I’m not happy about that, but I just want you to promise me that you won’t drink alcohol until you’re twenty-one.”
This is by far the finest approach because it works on so many levels. First, it takes a forward assumptive stance – the parent “knows all about the smoking.” Second, it uses two truisms. The phrases “sneaking around” and “you know I’m not happy about that” set the tone for honesty. The child hears two things that he knows to be true: He was sneaking around and his mother is unhappy about his smoking. He is therefore willing to accept at face value what follows. Third, the mother gives her son an easy out. All he has to do is promise not to drink and he’s home free. There’s no threat or punishment, just honest statements followed by a deal that he believes to be true as well.
The guidelines to keep in mind for this procedure are as follows:
• Assume your suspicion as fact
• State at least two truisms (facts that you both know to be true)
• Switch the focus from a threat to a request
• The request should be easy for him to accept and sound reasonable
Method 2
This method is used when you want the truth as it relates to a new decision. It is a simple but highly effective strategy to avoid being deceived. Oftentimes someone wants to tell us the truth, but it’s easier to tell a lie instead.
The person knows the answer you want to hear and will give it to you whether he believes it or not. However, if he doesn’t know what you want, then he won’t be able to deceive you. Read the following examples and notice how well the second phrasing masks your true question.
• “Would you like me to cook for you tonight?” ––– “Do you feel like eating in or out tonight?”
• “I’m thinking of asking Rhonda out. What do you think of her?” ––– “What do you think of Rhonda?”
Know Thy Enemy: Knowing The Liar and His Intentions
The following example illustrates a process that is becoming very popular in employee screening tests. The questions below are asked the prospective employee to determine if he is an honest person. If you really wanted the job, how would you answer these questions?
Have you ever stolen anything in your life?
Have you ever run a red light?
Do you have a friend who has ever shoplifted?
Many of us would have to answer yes to most of these questions. And that is precisely the answer a prospective employee is looking for. Why? Because the honest answer is yes for most of us. The employer’s task is finding those who are honest about it. Stealing a pack of gum when you were twelve years old doesn’t make you a bad person or an undesirable employee.
Let’s say that Martha’s teenage son, who has been away from home and living on the streets for the past two years, wants to come home. Knowing that her son is addicted to cocaine, she is worried about whether he can actually clean up his act. She could tell him that he can move back in only if he enrolls in a drug rehabilitation program. He will probably agree to this whether he plans to do it or not. Instead, she tells her son that he can move back in if he quits cold turkey – never doing another drug whatsoever. Her son’s answer will reveal his commitment to getting well, which is the real concern. Obviously her son can hardly get rid of his addiction instantly. So if he indicates that he can, she knows that he’s lying about his intention to get well. However, if he says that he can’t but will make strides toward getting better, she will know that he is sincere in his pursuit of wellness.
Saturday, May 9, 2009
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Tactics For Detecting Deceit and Gathering Information In Casual Conversations
Tactics For Detecting Deceit and Gathering Information In Casual Conversations
General Conversations
1. Ask-a-Fact
• During the conversation simply ask general, clear questions pertaining to your suspicion. This causes the person you are questioning to recall information. If he’s lying, he’ll take a while to answer because he first has to check his response mentally to be sure it makes sense. Made-up stories do not have details because they never happened!
• Ask questions that will give you an objective, not a subjective response. For instance, if you think an employee was home when he said he would be away on vacation, don’t ask him how he enjoyed the weather in Florida, but rather ask “Did you rent a car?” Once he answers yes to any question, ask for more detail. If he’s lying, he’ll try to keep the facts straight and will take his time answering further questions.
2. Add-a-False Fact
• Add a fact and ask the person to comment on it. This fact is one that you’ve made up, but one that sounds perfectly reasonable. For example, if you wanted to know if someone really indeed went on a safari to Africa, you mention that your uncle who works as a customs officer at the Nairobi airport told you that everyone going to Africa was given special instructions on how to avoid malaria. As soon as he validates your claim in an attempt to back up his assertion that he has gone to Africa, you know that his story is untrue. Otherwise he would simply say that he doesn’t know what your uncle is talking about.
Here are the criteria:
• Your statement has to be untrue
• It has to sound reasonable
• Your assertion has to be something that would directly affect the person, so he would have firsthand knowledge of this “fact.”
3. Support-a-Fact
• In this sequence you take what the person says and request proof, but in a very non-threatening manner.
For example, in the case of the person who claimed he had gone on safari, you might let him know that you would love to see pictures of the trip. If he offers up a reason why you can’t see the pictures, then this should arouse some suspicion.
4. Expand-a-Fact
• Use this clue to determine how far someone is willing to go to get what she wants. All you do is expand on a fact that she has already offered. If she just goes on without correcting you, then you know that she may be lying about what she’s said so far and/or is willing to lie to get you to see her point. For example, your secretary asks you for the rest of the day off because she’s not feeling well. You might say, “oh, of course, if you’ve got a fever and a bad headache, by all means take off.” She never claimed to have these symptoms. You merely expanded on her statement.
Special Occasions
1. Third-Party Protection
• This tactic is used if someone is reluctant to tell you something that involves another person. You have to appeal to his ego and let him forget that he’s telling tales out of school. The conversation needs to be positive. The other person must feel as if he’s doing a good thing by answering your question.
• Scenario A: Your attorney is telling you about a case that a fellow attorney screwed up on. Simply asking, “What did he do wrong?” would probably get you nowhere. However, by turning it around you create an incentive for him to tell you. Ask, “Had you handled the case, what would you have done differently?”
• Scenario B: While chatting with Brad, one of your sales people, you would like to find out why Susan’s sales figures are low. But simply asking him why she’s not doing well might prove fruitless. Ask, “What areas do you think Susan can improve in?”
2. The Power Play
• Sometimes the person reluctant to tell the truth is in a position of power. In these situations it’s usually inappropriate and futile to become argumentative. In these instances you want to bring the conversation to a personal level.
• Scenario: You’re trying to sell to a buyer who doesn’t want to buy and is not giving you a reason that you truly believe. Your objective will be to get to the real objection. “I do this for a living. My family relies on me to support them. Clearly we have a fine product and you’re a reasonable man. Would you mind telling me what I did to offend you?” Now your buyer is caught off guard and will undoubtedly follow with “Oh, you didn’t offend me. It’s just that…”
3. Hurt Feelings
• Someone is lying to you to protect your feeling – perhaps one of those little white lies. A touch of guilt makes the other person reevaluate his approach.
• Scenario: You feel that the truth is being withheld from you for your own benefit. “I know you don’t want to offend me, but you’re hurting me more by not being perfectly honest.” “If you don’t tell me, no one else will. If I can’t count on you for this, I don’t know what I would do.”
4. It’s A Matter of Opinion
The following is an excellent method for detecting deceit in a person’s opinion.
• Scenario: You’re not sure if your boss really likes your idea for a new advertising campaign, even though she says she does. “Do you like the concept for my new idea?” “Sure. It’s very original.” “Well, what would it take for you to love the idea?”
5. I Don’t Know
• This response can stall a conversation and leave you searching for answers. Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “I don’t know,” which is often why we say it in the first place. Either way, when you hear “I don’t know,” try some of the following responses:
1. “Okay, then why don’t you tell me how you’ve come to think the way you do?”
2. “I know you don’t know, but if you were to guess, what do you think it might be?”
3. “What emotion best describes what you’re thinking right now?
4. “What one word comes closest to describing what you’re thinking?”
• In all these responses, you’re taking the pressure off. You acknowledge the person’s difficulty in answering. You then seem to be asking her to provide something else, when in reality your new question is aimed at getting your initial question answered.
6. I’m Simply Embarrassed
• The person may lie to you out of embarrassment. The usual tactics don’t work here because the person probably isn’t obligated to tell you and more than likely will have nothing to gain by doing so. Therefore you need to create an incentive for telling the truth in an environment that makes him feel comfortable.
• Scenario: You think the new intern mixed up two piles of papers and shredded the documents that were supposed to be copied. “Nelson, if you’re the one who did this, it’s all right. I remember when I first started here. What I’m going to tell you is between you and me, okay? Good. I once made copies of a confidential memo instead of the lunch menu and placed a copy in each person’s mailbox.”
This instantly puts the other person at ease. It shows that you trust him, and he also feels obligated to share with you something he’s done that he feels uncomfortable with.
7. Divide and Conquer
• This is situation where there are two or more people from whom you can get the truth.
• Scenario: Several of your sorority sisters pulled a practical joke and you want to find out who is responsible. “Jennifer, who did this is not important. I don’t even care. What is important is our friendship. I want to know that I can trust you. I think I can, but I need for you to speak honestly with me. It’s not that I’m so concerned with who did it – only that you are truthful with me about it.” If you don’t get anywhere with her, go to someone else with the same speech.
8. Professional Reliance
• When dealing with professionals:
1. Always, if possible, get a second opinion. It’s easy to do and can save you a lot of heartache.
2. Make sure the person is licensed, insured, and registered to do the actual work.
3. Have your agreement drawn up in writing. Oral contracts aren’t worth it.
4. Ask for referrals or testimonials.
• If he balks at any one of these points, you might want to take your business elsewhere. Finally, the following strategy should give you an accurate insight into the person’s intentions. They key is to ask for the opposite of what you really want.
• Scenario: Let’s say that your travel agent suggests the Five-Day Cruise Getaway vacation package for you. You’re looking to really let loose; you want a trip that will be nonstop fun, but you’re not sure if she’s pushing this package for the commission or if she really believes that it’s a great deal. “The brochure looks great, Sandy. I just want to make sure that this is not one of those party boats. I’m looking for some rest and relaxation. Is this that kind of trip?” By asking your question this way, you will know the intentions of your travel agent and the answer to your question. If she answers yes, then you know that the cruise is not for you or she is lying to get your business.
9. I Don’t Know and I Don’t Care
• Few things are more frustrating than dealing with someone who just doesn’t give a damn. Why? Because you don’t have a whole lot to work with. You’ve got zero leverage. He’s got nothing at risk, so you’ve got little bargaining power. You simply have to change the equation so he’s got something at stake.
• Scenario: You take your car to the mechanic and he tells you it will be fixed by Friday. But you just know that something’s going to come up and it will be sitting in his garage all weekend. “Okay, Joe. Tomorrow’s fine. Just so you know, my wife is pregnant and she’s due any day. That’s our only car, so if you can think of any reason why it may not be ready by Friday, you’ve got to let me know now.”
10. I Just Heard
• Most people who lie usually confide in at least one other person. It’s important to let this person believe that you already know the truth and then add your emotional reaction to it. For example, some general statements that would be said to the person whom you believe knows the truth:
1. Sympathy: “I can’t believe what Sam did. I am truly very sorry. If there’s anything I can do for you or whatever, please just let me know, okay?
2. Humor: “Mary, is Joe a magnet for odd things or what? He just told me and I still can’t believe it.”
Directing The Conversation
You can steer a conversation in any direction that you choose. You can do this very efficiently with just a few wellchosen words. After he makes a statement, you can use the following key words to direct the flow of information in any way that you choose. They can be used to extract information from any conversation.
1. Meaning … Saying this word after he speaks directs his thinking and the conversation toward the larger picture, giving you a better look at his overall position. He will offer the reason for the position.
2. And … This response gives you more lateral information. You’ll be able to gather additional facts.
3. So … This response makes him get more specific, giving you the details of his position.
4. Now … This response makes him translate his position into a specific action. He will proceed to tell you exactly what he means and how it applies to you.
Getting Specific
Sometimes you’ll get an answer, but it doesn’t do you much good. Here are a couple ways of narrowing it down.
1. In Response to an Opinion or Belief
• “I don’t think the meeting went very well.” – “Compared with what?” or “How poorly did it go?”
2. In Response to a Reluctance to Commit
• “I don’t know if I could.” – “What, specifically, prevents you?” or “What would have to happen for you to be able to?” or “What would change if you did?”
Let The Truth Be Told
These simple words work better than any others do:
1. Because: We’re programmed to accept an explanation as valid if it follows this word.
2. Let’s: This word generates group atmosphere and initiates a bandwagon effect; it’s positive and creates action.
3. Try: This little word is a powerful motivator because it has a “what’s the harm” mentality. For example, “Let’s give it a try because if it doesn’t work we can always go back to the way it was.” Clearly you haven’t introduced any reason for the person to take action, yet it seems to make sense just the same.
Don’t accuse someone as by saying, “Why did you take five dollars from petty cash?” If you want to know if he took the money, simply say, “The money that we take from petty cash? Let’s try to keep it fewer than ten dollars at a time, because it works out better that way.”
Taking Control
If in a situation where you are unable to speak because the person keeps talking or interrupting, use some zingers like these. They play on two susceptible angles of human nature – ego and curiosity.
1. “You’re a smart person; let me ask you a question.”
2. “I know that you would want me to ask you this.”
3. “You’re the only person who would know the answer to this.”
4. “I hope this news doesn’t upset you.”
5. “Along those lines…” It’s easy to change conversation when you begin with the other’s last thoughts.
General Conversations
1. Ask-a-Fact
• During the conversation simply ask general, clear questions pertaining to your suspicion. This causes the person you are questioning to recall information. If he’s lying, he’ll take a while to answer because he first has to check his response mentally to be sure it makes sense. Made-up stories do not have details because they never happened!
• Ask questions that will give you an objective, not a subjective response. For instance, if you think an employee was home when he said he would be away on vacation, don’t ask him how he enjoyed the weather in Florida, but rather ask “Did you rent a car?” Once he answers yes to any question, ask for more detail. If he’s lying, he’ll try to keep the facts straight and will take his time answering further questions.
2. Add-a-False Fact
• Add a fact and ask the person to comment on it. This fact is one that you’ve made up, but one that sounds perfectly reasonable. For example, if you wanted to know if someone really indeed went on a safari to Africa, you mention that your uncle who works as a customs officer at the Nairobi airport told you that everyone going to Africa was given special instructions on how to avoid malaria. As soon as he validates your claim in an attempt to back up his assertion that he has gone to Africa, you know that his story is untrue. Otherwise he would simply say that he doesn’t know what your uncle is talking about.
Here are the criteria:
• Your statement has to be untrue
• It has to sound reasonable
• Your assertion has to be something that would directly affect the person, so he would have firsthand knowledge of this “fact.”
3. Support-a-Fact
• In this sequence you take what the person says and request proof, but in a very non-threatening manner.
For example, in the case of the person who claimed he had gone on safari, you might let him know that you would love to see pictures of the trip. If he offers up a reason why you can’t see the pictures, then this should arouse some suspicion.
4. Expand-a-Fact
• Use this clue to determine how far someone is willing to go to get what she wants. All you do is expand on a fact that she has already offered. If she just goes on without correcting you, then you know that she may be lying about what she’s said so far and/or is willing to lie to get you to see her point. For example, your secretary asks you for the rest of the day off because she’s not feeling well. You might say, “oh, of course, if you’ve got a fever and a bad headache, by all means take off.” She never claimed to have these symptoms. You merely expanded on her statement.
Special Occasions
1. Third-Party Protection
• This tactic is used if someone is reluctant to tell you something that involves another person. You have to appeal to his ego and let him forget that he’s telling tales out of school. The conversation needs to be positive. The other person must feel as if he’s doing a good thing by answering your question.
• Scenario A: Your attorney is telling you about a case that a fellow attorney screwed up on. Simply asking, “What did he do wrong?” would probably get you nowhere. However, by turning it around you create an incentive for him to tell you. Ask, “Had you handled the case, what would you have done differently?”
• Scenario B: While chatting with Brad, one of your sales people, you would like to find out why Susan’s sales figures are low. But simply asking him why she’s not doing well might prove fruitless. Ask, “What areas do you think Susan can improve in?”
2. The Power Play
• Sometimes the person reluctant to tell the truth is in a position of power. In these situations it’s usually inappropriate and futile to become argumentative. In these instances you want to bring the conversation to a personal level.
• Scenario: You’re trying to sell to a buyer who doesn’t want to buy and is not giving you a reason that you truly believe. Your objective will be to get to the real objection. “I do this for a living. My family relies on me to support them. Clearly we have a fine product and you’re a reasonable man. Would you mind telling me what I did to offend you?” Now your buyer is caught off guard and will undoubtedly follow with “Oh, you didn’t offend me. It’s just that…”
3. Hurt Feelings
• Someone is lying to you to protect your feeling – perhaps one of those little white lies. A touch of guilt makes the other person reevaluate his approach.
• Scenario: You feel that the truth is being withheld from you for your own benefit. “I know you don’t want to offend me, but you’re hurting me more by not being perfectly honest.” “If you don’t tell me, no one else will. If I can’t count on you for this, I don’t know what I would do.”
4. It’s A Matter of Opinion
The following is an excellent method for detecting deceit in a person’s opinion.
• Scenario: You’re not sure if your boss really likes your idea for a new advertising campaign, even though she says she does. “Do you like the concept for my new idea?” “Sure. It’s very original.” “Well, what would it take for you to love the idea?”
5. I Don’t Know
• This response can stall a conversation and leave you searching for answers. Sometimes it’s just easier to say, “I don’t know,” which is often why we say it in the first place. Either way, when you hear “I don’t know,” try some of the following responses:
1. “Okay, then why don’t you tell me how you’ve come to think the way you do?”
2. “I know you don’t know, but if you were to guess, what do you think it might be?”
3. “What emotion best describes what you’re thinking right now?
4. “What one word comes closest to describing what you’re thinking?”
• In all these responses, you’re taking the pressure off. You acknowledge the person’s difficulty in answering. You then seem to be asking her to provide something else, when in reality your new question is aimed at getting your initial question answered.
6. I’m Simply Embarrassed
• The person may lie to you out of embarrassment. The usual tactics don’t work here because the person probably isn’t obligated to tell you and more than likely will have nothing to gain by doing so. Therefore you need to create an incentive for telling the truth in an environment that makes him feel comfortable.
• Scenario: You think the new intern mixed up two piles of papers and shredded the documents that were supposed to be copied. “Nelson, if you’re the one who did this, it’s all right. I remember when I first started here. What I’m going to tell you is between you and me, okay? Good. I once made copies of a confidential memo instead of the lunch menu and placed a copy in each person’s mailbox.”
This instantly puts the other person at ease. It shows that you trust him, and he also feels obligated to share with you something he’s done that he feels uncomfortable with.
7. Divide and Conquer
• This is situation where there are two or more people from whom you can get the truth.
• Scenario: Several of your sorority sisters pulled a practical joke and you want to find out who is responsible. “Jennifer, who did this is not important. I don’t even care. What is important is our friendship. I want to know that I can trust you. I think I can, but I need for you to speak honestly with me. It’s not that I’m so concerned with who did it – only that you are truthful with me about it.” If you don’t get anywhere with her, go to someone else with the same speech.
8. Professional Reliance
• When dealing with professionals:
1. Always, if possible, get a second opinion. It’s easy to do and can save you a lot of heartache.
2. Make sure the person is licensed, insured, and registered to do the actual work.
3. Have your agreement drawn up in writing. Oral contracts aren’t worth it.
4. Ask for referrals or testimonials.
• If he balks at any one of these points, you might want to take your business elsewhere. Finally, the following strategy should give you an accurate insight into the person’s intentions. They key is to ask for the opposite of what you really want.
• Scenario: Let’s say that your travel agent suggests the Five-Day Cruise Getaway vacation package for you. You’re looking to really let loose; you want a trip that will be nonstop fun, but you’re not sure if she’s pushing this package for the commission or if she really believes that it’s a great deal. “The brochure looks great, Sandy. I just want to make sure that this is not one of those party boats. I’m looking for some rest and relaxation. Is this that kind of trip?” By asking your question this way, you will know the intentions of your travel agent and the answer to your question. If she answers yes, then you know that the cruise is not for you or she is lying to get your business.
9. I Don’t Know and I Don’t Care
• Few things are more frustrating than dealing with someone who just doesn’t give a damn. Why? Because you don’t have a whole lot to work with. You’ve got zero leverage. He’s got nothing at risk, so you’ve got little bargaining power. You simply have to change the equation so he’s got something at stake.
• Scenario: You take your car to the mechanic and he tells you it will be fixed by Friday. But you just know that something’s going to come up and it will be sitting in his garage all weekend. “Okay, Joe. Tomorrow’s fine. Just so you know, my wife is pregnant and she’s due any day. That’s our only car, so if you can think of any reason why it may not be ready by Friday, you’ve got to let me know now.”
10. I Just Heard
• Most people who lie usually confide in at least one other person. It’s important to let this person believe that you already know the truth and then add your emotional reaction to it. For example, some general statements that would be said to the person whom you believe knows the truth:
1. Sympathy: “I can’t believe what Sam did. I am truly very sorry. If there’s anything I can do for you or whatever, please just let me know, okay?
2. Humor: “Mary, is Joe a magnet for odd things or what? He just told me and I still can’t believe it.”
Directing The Conversation
You can steer a conversation in any direction that you choose. You can do this very efficiently with just a few wellchosen words. After he makes a statement, you can use the following key words to direct the flow of information in any way that you choose. They can be used to extract information from any conversation.
1. Meaning … Saying this word after he speaks directs his thinking and the conversation toward the larger picture, giving you a better look at his overall position. He will offer the reason for the position.
2. And … This response gives you more lateral information. You’ll be able to gather additional facts.
3. So … This response makes him get more specific, giving you the details of his position.
4. Now … This response makes him translate his position into a specific action. He will proceed to tell you exactly what he means and how it applies to you.
Getting Specific
Sometimes you’ll get an answer, but it doesn’t do you much good. Here are a couple ways of narrowing it down.
1. In Response to an Opinion or Belief
• “I don’t think the meeting went very well.” – “Compared with what?” or “How poorly did it go?”
2. In Response to a Reluctance to Commit
• “I don’t know if I could.” – “What, specifically, prevents you?” or “What would have to happen for you to be able to?” or “What would change if you did?”
Let The Truth Be Told
These simple words work better than any others do:
1. Because: We’re programmed to accept an explanation as valid if it follows this word.
2. Let’s: This word generates group atmosphere and initiates a bandwagon effect; it’s positive and creates action.
3. Try: This little word is a powerful motivator because it has a “what’s the harm” mentality. For example, “Let’s give it a try because if it doesn’t work we can always go back to the way it was.” Clearly you haven’t introduced any reason for the person to take action, yet it seems to make sense just the same.
Don’t accuse someone as by saying, “Why did you take five dollars from petty cash?” If you want to know if he took the money, simply say, “The money that we take from petty cash? Let’s try to keep it fewer than ten dollars at a time, because it works out better that way.”
Taking Control
If in a situation where you are unable to speak because the person keeps talking or interrupting, use some zingers like these. They play on two susceptible angles of human nature – ego and curiosity.
1. “You’re a smart person; let me ask you a question.”
2. “I know that you would want me to ask you this.”
3. “You’re the only person who would know the answer to this.”
4. “I hope this news doesn’t upset you.”
5. “Along those lines…” It’s easy to change conversation when you begin with the other’s last thoughts.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
How to Get the Truth Out of Anyone!
How to Get the Truth Out of Anyone
11 Attacks on the decietful To convey honesty and truthfulness in your message, use the following techniques:
• Look the person directly in the eyes.
• Use hand movements to emphasize your message.
• Use animated gestures that are fluid and consistent with the conversation.
• Stand or sit upright – no slouching.
• Don’t start off with any statements such as “To tell you the truth…” or “To be perfectly honest with you…”
• Face the person straight on. Don’t back away.
Liars need an incentive to confess. The payoff for confessing needs to be immediate, clear, specific, and compelling. You can’t just tell a person what he’ll gain by being truthful or lose by continuing to lie; you must make it real for him – so real, in fact, that he can feel, taste, touch, see, and hear it. Make it his reality. Let him experience fully the pleasure of being honest and the pain of continuing the lie. Involve as many of the senses as you can, particularly visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Create images for the person to see, sounds for him to hear, and sensations that he can almost feel. You want to make this experience as real as possible. First state the positives, then state the negatives, and then present the choice.
Attack 1: If You Think That’s Bad, Wait Until You Hear This!
This bullet works well because it forces the liar into thinking emotionally instead of logically. It alleviates his guilt by making him feel that he’s not alone, and it throws him off by creating a little anger and/or curiosity. Plus he thinks that you and he are exchanging information, instead of his giving you something for nothing.
Sample question formation: “The reason I’m asking you these questions is that I’ve done some things that I’m not too proud of, either. I can understand why you might have… In a way I’m almost relieved. Now I don’t feel too bad.” At this point he will ask you to get more specific about your actions. But insist that he tell you first. Hold out and he’ll come clean.
Never be lied to again
11 Attacks on the decietful To convey honesty and truthfulness in your message, use the following techniques:
• Look the person directly in the eyes.
• Use hand movements to emphasize your message.
• Use animated gestures that are fluid and consistent with the conversation.
• Stand or sit upright – no slouching.
• Don’t start off with any statements such as “To tell you the truth…” or “To be perfectly honest with you…”
• Face the person straight on. Don’t back away.
Liars need an incentive to confess. The payoff for confessing needs to be immediate, clear, specific, and compelling. You can’t just tell a person what he’ll gain by being truthful or lose by continuing to lie; you must make it real for him – so real, in fact, that he can feel, taste, touch, see, and hear it. Make it his reality. Let him experience fully the pleasure of being honest and the pain of continuing the lie. Involve as many of the senses as you can, particularly visual, auditory, and kinesthetic. Create images for the person to see, sounds for him to hear, and sensations that he can almost feel. You want to make this experience as real as possible. First state the positives, then state the negatives, and then present the choice.
Attack 1: If You Think That’s Bad, Wait Until You Hear This!
This bullet works well because it forces the liar into thinking emotionally instead of logically. It alleviates his guilt by making him feel that he’s not alone, and it throws him off by creating a little anger and/or curiosity. Plus he thinks that you and he are exchanging information, instead of his giving you something for nothing.
Sample question formation: “The reason I’m asking you these questions is that I’ve done some things that I’m not too proud of, either. I can understand why you might have… In a way I’m almost relieved. Now I don’t feel too bad.” At this point he will ask you to get more specific about your actions. But insist that he tell you first. Hold out and he’ll come clean.
Attack 2: It Was An Accident. Really!
This is a great strategy because it makes him feel that it would be a good thing to have you know exactly what happened. He did something wrong, true, but that is no longer your concern. You shift the focus of your concern to his intentions, not his actions. This makes it easy for him to confess to his behavior and “make it okay” with the explanation that it was unintentional. He feels that you care about his motivation. In other words, you let him know that the source of your concern is not what he’s done, but why he’s done it.
Sample question formation: “I can understand that maybe you didn’t plan on its happening. Things just got out of control and you acted without thinking. I’m fine with that – an accident, right? But if you did this on purpose, I don’t think that I could ever forgive you. You need to tell me that you didn’t do it intentionally. Please.”
Attack 3: The Boomerang
This bullet really throws a psychological curveball. With this example you tell him that he did something good, not bad. He’s completely thrown off by this. For example, you want to see if your interviewee has lied on her resume.
Sample question formation: “As we both know, everybody pads his resume just a bit. Personally, I think it shows guts. It tells me that the person isn’t afraid to take on new responsibilities. Which parts were you most creative with on this resume?”
Attack 4: Truth or Consequences
With this bullet you force your antagonist to work with you or you both end up with nothing. This is the exact opposite of the boomerang. Here the person has nothing unless he cooperates with you. Since you have nothing anyway (the truth), it’s a good tradeoff for you. Let’s say you suspect that your housekeeper has stolen from you.
Sample question formation: “I’d rather hear it from you first. I can live with what you did/what happened, but not with your lying to me about it. If you don’t tell me, then it’s over. If you tell me the truth, things can go back to how they were. But if you don’t, then we have no chance here, and you’ll have nothing.”
Attack 5: Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Peace
Human beings place a premium on that which is scarce. Simply put, rare equals good. You can dramatically increase your leverage by conveying that this is the only time that you will discuss this. Let him know that (a) this is his last chance he’ll have for explaining himself, and (b) you can get what you need from someone else. Try increasing the rate of your speech as well. The faster you speak, the less time he has to process the information, and it conveys as stronger sense of urgency. Give a deadline with a penalty for not meeting it. Deadlines force action.
If the guilty party think that he can always come clean, then he will take a wait-and-see approach before tipping his hand. Let the person know that you already know and have proof of his action. And admitting his sins now will give him the opportunity to explain his side.
Sample question formations: “I want to hear it from you now. After tomorrow, anything you say won’t make a difference to me.” –––– “I know what happened/what you did. I was hoping I would hear it from you first. It would mean a lot to me to hear your side of it. I know there are two sides to every story, and before I decide what to do, I want to hear yours.” Hearing this gives him the feeling he still has a chance if he confesses. After all, what really happened can’t be as bad as what you heard. Confessing now is a way of cutting his losses.
Attack 6: Reverse Course
You convey to him what happened or what he did was a good thing insofar as it allows you and he to establish an even better relationship – personal or professional. You give him an opportunity to explain why he took that choice.
You also blame yourself.
Sample question formation: “I understand why you would have don’t that. Clearly you wouldn’t have unless you had a good reason. You were probably treated unfairly or something was lacking. What can I do to help so that it doesn’t happen again?” Keep interjecting the following phrases: “I take full responsibility for your actions. Let’s work together to see how we can avoid this from happening again. I understand completely. You were right to do what you did.”
Attack 7: I Hate To Do This, But You Leave Me No Choice
This is the only strategy that involves threat. You let him become aware that there are going to be greater ramifications and repercussions than just lying to you – things that he never thought about. You rely on his imagination to set the terms of the damage that you can inflict. His mind will race through every possible scenario as his own fears turn against him.
• Sample question formation I: “I didn’t want to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.” This will propel him to respond: “Do what?” At this point he’s waiting to see what the tradeoff will be. But do not commit yourself to an action. Let him create in his own mind scenarios of what you will do unless he confesses.
• Sample question formation II: “You know what I can do, and I’ll do it. If you don’t want to tell me now, don’t. I’ll just do what I have to do.” After this statement, pay close attention to his response. If he focuses on what you will do to him, the odds lean more toward guilty. However, if he reasserts that he’s done nothing, he may in fact be innocent of your accusation. The guilty person needs to know the penalty to determine if it makes sense for him to stick to his story.
Attack 8: I Guess You’re Not Allowed
Never underestimate the power of appealing to a person’s ego. Sometimes you want to inflate it, and others times you want to attack it. This bullet is for attacking. It’s truly saddening how fragile some people’s egos are. Sample question formations: “I think I know what it is – you’re not allowed to tell me. Somebody else is pulling the strings and you’ll get in trouble. You’d tell me the truth if you could, but you don’t have the power to do so.”
Attack 9: Higher Authority
As long as the person believes that you are on his side, he’ll take the bait. All you have to do is let him know that anything he’s lied about can now be cleared up in seconds. However, if anyone else finds out about it later, it’s too late. Let’s say that you want to know if your secretary leaves early when you’re out of the office.
Sample question formation: “The vice president from corporate is coming in today. He’s asked about your hours, so I’m going to tell him that you come in early on the days that you leave early. Do you remember what days last month you finished up early and took off?” This is disarming, and you’re not yelling at her or demanding answers. You’re on her side, and you’re going to work together to smooth things over.
Attack 10: The Great Unknown
You can obtain maximum leverage by explaining how the ramifications of his deceit will be something that the suspect has never known before. Even if he believes that you are limited in what you can do to him and in what the penalty will be, the severity of the penalty can be manipulated in two major ways to make it appear much more severe: time and impact.
• Time: Give no indication of when the penalty will occur. When things happen unexpectedly, the degree of anguish is more potent.
• Impact: Convey that his entire life will be disrupted and drastically altered for the worse. He needs to see that this event is not isolated and will instead have a ripple effect. When bad things happen we are often comforted in knowing that it will soon be over and the rest of our life will remain intact and unaffected. But if these things are not assured, we become increasingly fearful and concerned.
Attack 11: I Couldn’t Care Less
A primary law governing human nature is that we all have a need to feel significant. Nobody wants to be thought of as unimportant, or feel that his ideas and thinking is irrelevant. Take away a person’s belief that he has value and he’ll do just about anything to reassert his sense of importance. Your apathy toward the situation will unnerve him immensely. He will begin to crave recognition and acceptance, in any form. He needs to know you care what happens, and if talking about his misdeeds is the only way he can find out, he will.
Sample question formations: “I know and I just don’t care. This is not for me.” ––– “I’ve got other things to think about. Maybe we’ll talk some other time.” ––– “You do what you have to do, that’s fine with me.” To be more powerful, stare at him. When you stare at someone he often feels less significant and will seek to reassert his value.
Resources:
By David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.Never be lied to again
Becoming a human lie detector
Becoming a Human Lie Detector
By David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.Excerpts from
The clues to deception can be used with great reliability in everyday situations and conversations. However, if you must know the truth in a given situation, this part provides you with a sequence of questions that virtually guarantees that you will know (a) if you’re being lied to and (b) what the truth is if it’s not obvious from the lie. When used in order, all three phases offer you the greatest opportunity to get at the truth.
Phase One – Three Attack-Sequence Primers
Primer 1
The objective here is to ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to the person’s possible behavior. The key is to phrase a question that sounds perfectly innocent to an innocent person, but like an accusation to the guilty.Suspicion: You feel that your girlfriend was unfaithful the night before. Question: “Anything interesting happen last night?” Suspicion: You think a coworker told your secretary that you have a crush on her. Question: “Heard any good gossip recently?” Any answers such as “Why do you ask?” or “Where did you hear that?” indicate concern on the person’s part. He should not be seeking information from you if he does not think that your question is leading. He should also not be interested in why you’re asking the question unless he thinks that you may know what he doesn’t want you to know.
Primer 2
The objective here is to introduce a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on, using specifics.Suspicion: You suspect one of your salespeople has lied to a customer in order to make the sale. Question: “Jim, I’m wondering if you could help me with something. It’s come to my attention that someone in the sales department has been misrepresenting our products to customers. How do you think we can clear this up?” Suspicion: A hospital administrator suspects that a doctor was drinking while on duty. Question: “Dr. Marcus, I’d like to get you advice on something. A colleague of mine at another hospital has a problem with one of her doctors. She feels he may be drinking while on call. Do you have any suggestions on how she can approach the doctor about this problem?” If he’s innocent of the charges he’s likely to offer his advice and be pleased that you sought out his opinion. If he’s guilty he’ll seem uncomfortable and will assure you that he never does anything like that. Either way, this opens the door to probe further.
Primer 3
The objective here is to introduce a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on, using general terms.
Suspicion: You think a student has cheated on his exam.
Question: “Isn’t it amazing how someone can cheat on a test and not realize that I was standing behind him the entire time?”
Suspicion: You suspect a coworker of bad-mouthing you to your boss.
Question: “It’s amazing all the backstabbing that goes on around here, isn’t it? And these people doing it think that it won’t get back to the person involved.”
Suspicion: You think that your girlfriend may be two-timing you.
Question: “It’s amazing how someone can be unfaithful and expect not to get caught.” A change in subject is highly indicative of guilt. However, if he finds your question interesting and he’s innocent, he might begin a conversation about it since he’s unafraid to discuss the subject.
Phase Two – Eleven Attack Sequences Attack Sequence 1:
Direct Questioning•
Stage 1. Ask your question directly.
• Give no advance warning of the subject you’re about to bring up or of any feelings of mistrust.
• Never reveal what you know first. Ask questions to gather information to see if it’s consistent with what you already know.
• The way you present yourself can greatly influence the attitude of the other person. Three powerful tips for establishing building rapport:
1. Matching posture and movements – if he has one hand in his pocket, you put your hand in yours.
2. Matching speech – if he’s speaking in a slow, relaxed tone, you do the same.
3. Matching key words – if he’s prone to using certain words or phrases, use them when speaking.
• Ask a question that you know will produce a response similar to how you expect him to react. In other words, if he waves his arms around no matter what he’s talking about, you want to know this.
• Use a relaxed and non-threatening posture, and square off so that you’re facing each other.
• Never, ever interrupt. You can’t learn anything new while you’re talking. Ask open-ended questions. •
Stage 2. Silence.
• Stage 3. Really? At the end of his answer respond with “Really?”
• Stage 4. Sudden Death. Follow with “Is there anything you want to get off your chest?”
Attack Sequence 2: Lead and Confine •
Stage 1. Ask a leading question. For example, “you were back by two A.M. last night, weren’t you?” •
Stage 2. Reverse course: You’ve got to be kidding! For example, “I was hoping you did, so you would have gotten it out of your system. Please tell me that you’ve done it, so I know that it’s over with.” •
Stage 3. This is not going to work. For example, “I thought you were somebody who had a sense of adventure. Someone who knows how to live a little.”
Attack Sequence 3: Time Line Distortion
• Scenario: You suspect several employees in your store of stealing money
• Stage1. Setting the scene. Let the conversation turn casually to stealing and say, “Oh, I knew right from the start what was going on.”
• Stage 2. It’s no big deal. “You had to know I knew. How else do you think you could have gotten away with it for so long? I hope you don’t think I’m a complete idiot.”
• Stage 3. I appreciate what you’ve done. “I know that you were just going along with it because you were scared of what the others would do. It’s really okay. I know you’re not that kind of person.”
Attack Sequence 4: Direct Assumption / Shot in the Dark
• Stage 1. Set the scene. Be somewhat curt and standoffish, as if something heavy-duty is bothering you. This will cause his mind to race to find ways to explain the “error of his ways.”
• Stage 2. I’m hurt. Say, “I’ve just found something out and I’m really hurt [shocked/surprised]. I know you’re going to lie to me and try to deny it, but I just wanted you to know that I know.” You establish that (a) he’s guilty of something and (b) you know what it is.
• Stage 3. Holding your ground. Say, “I think we both know what I’m talking about. We need to clear the air, and we can start by your talking.”
• Stage 4. Continue to hold your ground. Repeat phrases such as “I’m sure it will come to you” and “The longer I wait, the madder I’m getting.”
• Stage 5. Apply social pressure. “We were all talking about it. Everybody knows.” Now he begins to get curious about who knows and how they found out. As soon as he tries to find out, you’ll know he’s guilty.
Attack Sequence 5: The Missing Link
• Scenario: You think that your mother-in-law may have hired a private investigator to follow you around.
• Stage 1. List facts. Tell her something that you know to be true. “I know you’re not very fond of me, and that you objected to the wedding, but this time you’ve gone too far.”
• Stage 2. State your assumption. “I know all about the investigator. Why did you think that was necessary?”
• Stage 3. The magic phrase. “You know what, I’m too upset to talk about this now.” The guilty person will honor your request because she won’t want to anger you further. An innocent person will be mad at you for accusing her of something that she hasn’t done and will want to discuss it now.
Attack Sequence 6: Who, Me?
• Stage1. Setting the scene. He suspects that his ex-girlfriend broke into his house. He phoned to let her know in a very non-accusatory way that that there had been a break-in and some items were missing. The following type of conversation would ensue:Winston: The police are going to want to talk to everyone who had access to the house. Since you still have a key, they’re going to want to speak with you. Just routine stuff, I’m sure. Of course you’re not a suspect. Ex-Girlfriend: But I don’t know anything about it. Winston: Oh, I know. Just policy, I guess. Anyway, one of my neighbors said that she got a partial license-plate number on a car that was by my house that day. Ex-Girlfriend: (After a long pause) Well, I was driving around your neighborhood that day. I stopped by to see if you were home. But when you weren’t, I just left.Winston: Oh, really? Well, they did a fingerprint test too. That should show something.Ex-Girlfriend: What test? Winston: Oh, they dusted for prints and…
• Stage 2. Inform non-accusatorily. Casually inform your suspect of the situation.
• Stage 3. Introduce evidence to be rebutted. As you introduce the evidence, look to see if every one of your statements is met by explanations from him as to how the evidence could be misunderstood. For example, you suspect that a co-worker had shredded some of your files. You would first set the stage by letting him know that you can’t find some important files. Then say, “Well, it’s a good thing my new secretary noticed someone by the shredder the other day. She said she recognized his face but didn’t know his name.” An innocent person would not feel the need to explain in order to avert the possibility that he might be wrongly accused.
• Stage 4. Continue. Continue with more facts that the person can try to explain away. But in actuality, as soon he starts to talk about why the situation might “look that way,” you know you have him.
Attack Sequence 7: Outrageous Accusations
• Stage 1. Accuse him of everything. In a very fed-up manner, accuse him of doing every imaginable dishonest and disloyal act.
• Stage 2. Introduce the suspicion. Now introduce the one thing you feel he really has done, and in an attempt to clear himself of the other charges, he will offer an explanation for his one slip-up. Say, “I mean, it’s not like you just stole a file, that would be fine. But all these other things are unspeakable.” He responds, “No, I just stole that one file because of the pressure to get the job done, but I would never sell trade secrets!” The only way to prove his innocence to all of your outrageous accusations is to explain why he did what you really suspect of him of doing.
• Stage 3. Step in closer. This increases anxiety in the guilty. He feels he’s being closed in on.
Attack Sequence 8: Is There a Reason?
• Stage 1. Introduce a fact. For example, if you want to know if your secretary went out last night when she said she was sick, “I drove by your house on the way home. Is there a reason your car wasn’t in the driveway?” Had she been home sick, she would simply tell you that you were wrong – the car was in the driveway.
• Stage 2. One more shot. “Oh, that’s odd, I called your house and I got your machine.” If she’s guilty she will look for any way to make her story fit your facts.
• Stage 3. Stare. Staring makes someone who is on the defensive feel closed in; your glare is infringing on her personal space, inducing a mental claustrophobia. Lock eyes with her and ask again.
Attack Sequence 9: Third-Party Confirmation • Scenario: You suspect one of your employees is having someone else punch out on the time clock for him.
• Stage 1. Accuse outright. After gaining the assistance of a friend or coworker, you have this person make the accusation for you. Such as “Mel, I was talking to Cindy, and she told me she’s getting pretty tired of your having someone else punch out for you so you can leave work early.” At this point Mel is concerned only with Cindy’s disapproval of his actions. Your friend is thoroughly believable because we rarely think to question this type of third-party setup.
• Stage 2. Are you kidding? “Are you kidding? It’s common knowledge, but I think I know how you can smooth things over with her.” See if he take the bait. A person who’s innocent would not be interested in smoothing things over with someone else for something that he hasn’t done.
• Stage 3. Last call. “Okay. But are you sure? At this point, any hesitation is likely to be sign of guilt because he’s quickly trying to weight his options.
Attack Sequence 10: The Chain Reaction
• Scenario: You suspect several employees in your store of stealing money
• Stage 1. Setting the scene. In a one-on-one meeting with the employee, let them know that you’re looking for someone to be in charge of a new internal theft program for the entire company.
• Stage 2. The iron is… “We’re looking for someone who knows how it’s done. Now don’t worry, you’re not going to get in trouble. As a matter of fact we’ve known about it for some time. We were more interested in seeing how efficient you were. Quite impressive. Anyway, we feel that since you know how it’s done, you’ll know how to prevent it. Granted, it’s pretty unusual, but this is an unusual instance.”
• Stage 3. I told them so. “You know, I told them that you would be too afraid to have an open discussion about this. They were wrong, I was right.” Look for hesitation on his part. If he’s guilty, he will be weighing his options. This takes time. An innocent person has nothing to think about. Only the guilty have the option of confessing or not. Attack Sequence 11: Condemn or Concern Stage 1. I’m just letting you know. The key with this sequence is not to accuse, just to inform. Let’s say that you’re working in the customer service department of a computer store. A customer brings back a non-working printer for an exchange, claiming that he bought it just a few days before. He has the all-important receipt and the printer is packed neatly in the original box. Upon inspecting the contents you find that a necessary, expensive, and easily removable component of the machine is missing, a clear indication of why the machine was not functioning properly. Here are two possible responses you might get after informing the customer of your discovery. Response 1. “I didn’t take it out. That’s how it was when I bought it.” (Defensive)Response 2. “What? You sold me a printer that has a missing part? I wasted two hours trying to get that thing to work.” (Offensive) The person who utters Response 2 has every right to be annoyed; it never crosses his mind that he’s being accused of anything. The person who gives Response 1 knows he never even tried to get the printer to work because he took the part out. It doesn’t occur to him to become angry. He assumes that he’s being accused of removing the part and become defensive when you inform him the part is missing.
Resources:
David J. Lieberman
Never Be Lied To Again
By David J. Lieberman, Ph.D.Excerpts from
The clues to deception can be used with great reliability in everyday situations and conversations. However, if you must know the truth in a given situation, this part provides you with a sequence of questions that virtually guarantees that you will know (a) if you’re being lied to and (b) what the truth is if it’s not obvious from the lie. When used in order, all three phases offer you the greatest opportunity to get at the truth.
Phase One – Three Attack-Sequence Primers
Primer 1
The objective here is to ask a question that does not accuse the person of anything but alludes to the person’s possible behavior. The key is to phrase a question that sounds perfectly innocent to an innocent person, but like an accusation to the guilty.Suspicion: You feel that your girlfriend was unfaithful the night before. Question: “Anything interesting happen last night?” Suspicion: You think a coworker told your secretary that you have a crush on her. Question: “Heard any good gossip recently?” Any answers such as “Why do you ask?” or “Where did you hear that?” indicate concern on the person’s part. He should not be seeking information from you if he does not think that your question is leading. He should also not be interested in why you’re asking the question unless he thinks that you may know what he doesn’t want you to know.
Primer 2
The objective here is to introduce a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on, using specifics.Suspicion: You suspect one of your salespeople has lied to a customer in order to make the sale. Question: “Jim, I’m wondering if you could help me with something. It’s come to my attention that someone in the sales department has been misrepresenting our products to customers. How do you think we can clear this up?” Suspicion: A hospital administrator suspects that a doctor was drinking while on duty. Question: “Dr. Marcus, I’d like to get you advice on something. A colleague of mine at another hospital has a problem with one of her doctors. She feels he may be drinking while on call. Do you have any suggestions on how she can approach the doctor about this problem?” If he’s innocent of the charges he’s likely to offer his advice and be pleased that you sought out his opinion. If he’s guilty he’ll seem uncomfortable and will assure you that he never does anything like that. Either way, this opens the door to probe further.
Primer 3
The objective here is to introduce a scenario similar to what you suspect is going on, using general terms.
Suspicion: You think a student has cheated on his exam.
Question: “Isn’t it amazing how someone can cheat on a test and not realize that I was standing behind him the entire time?”
Suspicion: You suspect a coworker of bad-mouthing you to your boss.
Question: “It’s amazing all the backstabbing that goes on around here, isn’t it? And these people doing it think that it won’t get back to the person involved.”
Suspicion: You think that your girlfriend may be two-timing you.
Question: “It’s amazing how someone can be unfaithful and expect not to get caught.” A change in subject is highly indicative of guilt. However, if he finds your question interesting and he’s innocent, he might begin a conversation about it since he’s unafraid to discuss the subject.
Phase Two – Eleven Attack Sequences Attack Sequence 1:
Direct Questioning•
Stage 1. Ask your question directly.
• Give no advance warning of the subject you’re about to bring up or of any feelings of mistrust.
• Never reveal what you know first. Ask questions to gather information to see if it’s consistent with what you already know.
• The way you present yourself can greatly influence the attitude of the other person. Three powerful tips for establishing building rapport:
1. Matching posture and movements – if he has one hand in his pocket, you put your hand in yours.
2. Matching speech – if he’s speaking in a slow, relaxed tone, you do the same.
3. Matching key words – if he’s prone to using certain words or phrases, use them when speaking.
• Ask a question that you know will produce a response similar to how you expect him to react. In other words, if he waves his arms around no matter what he’s talking about, you want to know this.
• Use a relaxed and non-threatening posture, and square off so that you’re facing each other.
• Never, ever interrupt. You can’t learn anything new while you’re talking. Ask open-ended questions. •
Stage 2. Silence.
• Stage 3. Really? At the end of his answer respond with “Really?”
• Stage 4. Sudden Death. Follow with “Is there anything you want to get off your chest?”
Attack Sequence 2: Lead and Confine •
Stage 1. Ask a leading question. For example, “you were back by two A.M. last night, weren’t you?” •
Stage 2. Reverse course: You’ve got to be kidding! For example, “I was hoping you did, so you would have gotten it out of your system. Please tell me that you’ve done it, so I know that it’s over with.” •
Stage 3. This is not going to work. For example, “I thought you were somebody who had a sense of adventure. Someone who knows how to live a little.”
Attack Sequence 3: Time Line Distortion
• Scenario: You suspect several employees in your store of stealing money
• Stage1. Setting the scene. Let the conversation turn casually to stealing and say, “Oh, I knew right from the start what was going on.”
• Stage 2. It’s no big deal. “You had to know I knew. How else do you think you could have gotten away with it for so long? I hope you don’t think I’m a complete idiot.”
• Stage 3. I appreciate what you’ve done. “I know that you were just going along with it because you were scared of what the others would do. It’s really okay. I know you’re not that kind of person.”
Attack Sequence 4: Direct Assumption / Shot in the Dark
• Stage 1. Set the scene. Be somewhat curt and standoffish, as if something heavy-duty is bothering you. This will cause his mind to race to find ways to explain the “error of his ways.”
• Stage 2. I’m hurt. Say, “I’ve just found something out and I’m really hurt [shocked/surprised]. I know you’re going to lie to me and try to deny it, but I just wanted you to know that I know.” You establish that (a) he’s guilty of something and (b) you know what it is.
• Stage 3. Holding your ground. Say, “I think we both know what I’m talking about. We need to clear the air, and we can start by your talking.”
• Stage 4. Continue to hold your ground. Repeat phrases such as “I’m sure it will come to you” and “The longer I wait, the madder I’m getting.”
• Stage 5. Apply social pressure. “We were all talking about it. Everybody knows.” Now he begins to get curious about who knows and how they found out. As soon as he tries to find out, you’ll know he’s guilty.
Attack Sequence 5: The Missing Link
• Scenario: You think that your mother-in-law may have hired a private investigator to follow you around.
• Stage 1. List facts. Tell her something that you know to be true. “I know you’re not very fond of me, and that you objected to the wedding, but this time you’ve gone too far.”
• Stage 2. State your assumption. “I know all about the investigator. Why did you think that was necessary?”
• Stage 3. The magic phrase. “You know what, I’m too upset to talk about this now.” The guilty person will honor your request because she won’t want to anger you further. An innocent person will be mad at you for accusing her of something that she hasn’t done and will want to discuss it now.
Attack Sequence 6: Who, Me?
• Stage1. Setting the scene. He suspects that his ex-girlfriend broke into his house. He phoned to let her know in a very non-accusatory way that that there had been a break-in and some items were missing. The following type of conversation would ensue:Winston: The police are going to want to talk to everyone who had access to the house. Since you still have a key, they’re going to want to speak with you. Just routine stuff, I’m sure. Of course you’re not a suspect. Ex-Girlfriend: But I don’t know anything about it. Winston: Oh, I know. Just policy, I guess. Anyway, one of my neighbors said that she got a partial license-plate number on a car that was by my house that day. Ex-Girlfriend: (After a long pause) Well, I was driving around your neighborhood that day. I stopped by to see if you were home. But when you weren’t, I just left.Winston: Oh, really? Well, they did a fingerprint test too. That should show something.Ex-Girlfriend: What test? Winston: Oh, they dusted for prints and…
• Stage 2. Inform non-accusatorily. Casually inform your suspect of the situation.
• Stage 3. Introduce evidence to be rebutted. As you introduce the evidence, look to see if every one of your statements is met by explanations from him as to how the evidence could be misunderstood. For example, you suspect that a co-worker had shredded some of your files. You would first set the stage by letting him know that you can’t find some important files. Then say, “Well, it’s a good thing my new secretary noticed someone by the shredder the other day. She said she recognized his face but didn’t know his name.” An innocent person would not feel the need to explain in order to avert the possibility that he might be wrongly accused.
• Stage 4. Continue. Continue with more facts that the person can try to explain away. But in actuality, as soon he starts to talk about why the situation might “look that way,” you know you have him.
Attack Sequence 7: Outrageous Accusations
• Stage 1. Accuse him of everything. In a very fed-up manner, accuse him of doing every imaginable dishonest and disloyal act.
• Stage 2. Introduce the suspicion. Now introduce the one thing you feel he really has done, and in an attempt to clear himself of the other charges, he will offer an explanation for his one slip-up. Say, “I mean, it’s not like you just stole a file, that would be fine. But all these other things are unspeakable.” He responds, “No, I just stole that one file because of the pressure to get the job done, but I would never sell trade secrets!” The only way to prove his innocence to all of your outrageous accusations is to explain why he did what you really suspect of him of doing.
• Stage 3. Step in closer. This increases anxiety in the guilty. He feels he’s being closed in on.
Attack Sequence 8: Is There a Reason?
• Stage 1. Introduce a fact. For example, if you want to know if your secretary went out last night when she said she was sick, “I drove by your house on the way home. Is there a reason your car wasn’t in the driveway?” Had she been home sick, she would simply tell you that you were wrong – the car was in the driveway.
• Stage 2. One more shot. “Oh, that’s odd, I called your house and I got your machine.” If she’s guilty she will look for any way to make her story fit your facts.
• Stage 3. Stare. Staring makes someone who is on the defensive feel closed in; your glare is infringing on her personal space, inducing a mental claustrophobia. Lock eyes with her and ask again.
Attack Sequence 9: Third-Party Confirmation • Scenario: You suspect one of your employees is having someone else punch out on the time clock for him.
• Stage 1. Accuse outright. After gaining the assistance of a friend or coworker, you have this person make the accusation for you. Such as “Mel, I was talking to Cindy, and she told me she’s getting pretty tired of your having someone else punch out for you so you can leave work early.” At this point Mel is concerned only with Cindy’s disapproval of his actions. Your friend is thoroughly believable because we rarely think to question this type of third-party setup.
• Stage 2. Are you kidding? “Are you kidding? It’s common knowledge, but I think I know how you can smooth things over with her.” See if he take the bait. A person who’s innocent would not be interested in smoothing things over with someone else for something that he hasn’t done.
• Stage 3. Last call. “Okay. But are you sure? At this point, any hesitation is likely to be sign of guilt because he’s quickly trying to weight his options.
Attack Sequence 10: The Chain Reaction
• Scenario: You suspect several employees in your store of stealing money
• Stage 1. Setting the scene. In a one-on-one meeting with the employee, let them know that you’re looking for someone to be in charge of a new internal theft program for the entire company.
• Stage 2. The iron is… “We’re looking for someone who knows how it’s done. Now don’t worry, you’re not going to get in trouble. As a matter of fact we’ve known about it for some time. We were more interested in seeing how efficient you were. Quite impressive. Anyway, we feel that since you know how it’s done, you’ll know how to prevent it. Granted, it’s pretty unusual, but this is an unusual instance.”
• Stage 3. I told them so. “You know, I told them that you would be too afraid to have an open discussion about this. They were wrong, I was right.” Look for hesitation on his part. If he’s guilty, he will be weighing his options. This takes time. An innocent person has nothing to think about. Only the guilty have the option of confessing or not. Attack Sequence 11: Condemn or Concern Stage 1. I’m just letting you know. The key with this sequence is not to accuse, just to inform. Let’s say that you’re working in the customer service department of a computer store. A customer brings back a non-working printer for an exchange, claiming that he bought it just a few days before. He has the all-important receipt and the printer is packed neatly in the original box. Upon inspecting the contents you find that a necessary, expensive, and easily removable component of the machine is missing, a clear indication of why the machine was not functioning properly. Here are two possible responses you might get after informing the customer of your discovery. Response 1. “I didn’t take it out. That’s how it was when I bought it.” (Defensive)Response 2. “What? You sold me a printer that has a missing part? I wasted two hours trying to get that thing to work.” (Offensive) The person who utters Response 2 has every right to be annoyed; it never crosses his mind that he’s being accused of anything. The person who gives Response 1 knows he never even tried to get the printer to work because he took the part out. It doesn’t occur to him to become angry. He assumes that he’s being accused of removing the part and become defensive when you inform him the part is missing.
Resources:
David J. Lieberman
Never Be Lied To Again
Friday, May 1, 2009
How to know if someone is a true friend
How to know if someone is a true friend
Its hard sometimes to know if someone is a true friend. We find ourselves asking "does she really care about me" or "is he loyal?"
With these secrets tactics you can give simple but effective test to see if anyone is loyal and a true friend.
Here are six tactics that can be easily used to your benefit.
Again these tactics can be used in everyday life so use them for to better those around you.
Tactic 1 INTEREST
Tell them about something significant that is going on in your life and see if they follow up to find out what happen. True friends will first off remember and want to know or show interest in their friends life and affairs if their told about them.
Tactic 2 LOYALTY
This tactic is very sneaky but it will get right down to the point. First get permission from a knowing friend about what your about to do. Let them know your testing a friend for LOYALTY.
Tell a secret about a mutual friend and see if it gets back to him/her. If it does you will know your friend is a gossiper and not to tell them your or others most hidden secret. They can not be trusted.
Tactic 3 PRIDE
Anyone can tell you to cheer up, It make us fell better to know we are trying to make you happier. See, your true friends are proud of your accomplishments, not jealous of your success. See if a friend comes to you when you recieve good news and congratulates you. Not just their when you recieve bad news to try and comfort you when you are down for his on selfish needs to feel better. There are lots of people who are willing to cheer us up when things aren't going our way. But it's more diffcult to find someone who will congratulate us when things are going well.
Tactic 4 HONESTLY
A true friend is someone who tells you the things that you dont want to hear. He/she is willing to have you be upset with her ifit will help you. Does he/she tell you things that are for your own benefit even though he/she knows that it might make you upset with her?
Tactic 5 RESPECT
Tell her/him that you have something exciting to tell them that is going on in you rlife, but you have to wait to tell them because you can not talk aboput it right now. Then see if he/she presses on endlessly to get you to tell them.There is a difference in CURIOUSITY and CONCERN. If she/he must know then there more interested in the gossip than they are you. A good friend will respect your wishes and give you space to let you tell them when the right time comes. Later on he/she might ask you about it but thats ok, lons as he/she doesnt constantly hound you then he/she has a complete lack of respect!
Tactic 6 SACRIFICE
Is he/she willing to give up something if it ,makes you happy? Will he/she sacrifice her/his own pleasure for your happiness.
Example: Who deicides what to do this weekend? Does you input matter? Do they compromise with your wishes on the fun for tonight or do they do what they want to do and forget about what you would like to do?
Whats worst is would he/she make a plan with you involved in the escape or are they only looking out for their best interest on the escape?
Its hard sometimes to know if someone is a true friend. We find ourselves asking "does she really care about me" or "is he loyal?"
With these secrets tactics you can give simple but effective test to see if anyone is loyal and a true friend.
Here are six tactics that can be easily used to your benefit.
Again these tactics can be used in everyday life so use them for to better those around you.
Tactic 1 INTEREST
Tell them about something significant that is going on in your life and see if they follow up to find out what happen. True friends will first off remember and want to know or show interest in their friends life and affairs if their told about them.
Tactic 2 LOYALTY
This tactic is very sneaky but it will get right down to the point. First get permission from a knowing friend about what your about to do. Let them know your testing a friend for LOYALTY.
Tell a secret about a mutual friend and see if it gets back to him/her. If it does you will know your friend is a gossiper and not to tell them your or others most hidden secret. They can not be trusted.
Tactic 3 PRIDE
Anyone can tell you to cheer up, It make us fell better to know we are trying to make you happier. See, your true friends are proud of your accomplishments, not jealous of your success. See if a friend comes to you when you recieve good news and congratulates you. Not just their when you recieve bad news to try and comfort you when you are down for his on selfish needs to feel better. There are lots of people who are willing to cheer us up when things aren't going our way. But it's more diffcult to find someone who will congratulate us when things are going well.
Tactic 4 HONESTLY
A true friend is someone who tells you the things that you dont want to hear. He/she is willing to have you be upset with her ifit will help you. Does he/she tell you things that are for your own benefit even though he/she knows that it might make you upset with her?
Tactic 5 RESPECT
Tell her/him that you have something exciting to tell them that is going on in you rlife, but you have to wait to tell them because you can not talk aboput it right now. Then see if he/she presses on endlessly to get you to tell them.There is a difference in CURIOUSITY and CONCERN. If she/he must know then there more interested in the gossip than they are you. A good friend will respect your wishes and give you space to let you tell them when the right time comes. Later on he/she might ask you about it but thats ok, lons as he/she doesnt constantly hound you then he/she has a complete lack of respect!
Tactic 6 SACRIFICE
Is he/she willing to give up something if it ,makes you happy? Will he/she sacrifice her/his own pleasure for your happiness.
Example: Who deicides what to do this weekend? Does you input matter? Do they compromise with your wishes on the fun for tonight or do they do what they want to do and forget about what you would like to do?
Whats worst is would he/she make a plan with you involved in the escape or are they only looking out for their best interest on the escape?
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